She sits there in front of me, coffee spilling off the rim of her cup, and I can’t help but feel like I’m fooling her.
“I wanted to talk to you because I don’t feel like I have a purpose,” she says to me, but I can’t take my eyes off the coffee. It’s dripping down the sides of the cup, as if it’s eager to run away. I can understand that.
“You,” she goes on, “seem like you have a purpose. Like you have life figured out.”
I laugh, but not intentionally. The sound that leaves my mouth sounds like I’m choking on my own breath.
She has no idea and I don’t even try to tell her.
A month ago, my new favorite thing to say was, “I don’t feel like I have a purpose.”
I’d say this because I didn’t have the energy to say anything else. I was feeling depressed. I was feeling down about almost everything. There were moments when all I wanted to do was sleep, so I slept. I ignored emails, phone calls, items on my to-do list. When my boyfriend would come over, he’d make me laugh. He’d make me happy. But then, I’d get sad again and go on my “no purpose rant” and he would try to tell me I’m wrong.
But I’m an aries and we do not listen.
He would try to list off accomplishments, fun things I was doing, the big goals that I could chase after. But it didn’t matter.
I felt how I felt and nothing, nobody, not even Oprah or Andy Cohen (the Bravo guy…not the guy you know from JDate) could make me feel differently.
I did nothing but repeat that over and over in my head and out loud for a little while. It’s true, what we think, we believe, and then, well, then we become.
I lived for days, weeks, a month, convinced I didn’t have a purpose. Convinced that my recent failures, my struggles, my anger toward people, places and things, was all that I had left.
I was wrong and now I know that. But then, I didn’t.
I snapped out of “it” because I started getting new people reaching out that wanted me to coach them, that wanted me to help them find their purpose. So I agreed, and I changed out of my pajamas, and I drank a Kombucha, and I met them.
I coached a woman who wanted to ditch the corporate world and start a business of her own.
I coached another who wanted to take control of her life, after many years of other people telling what to do and when to do it.
And another who wanted to set himself for a life where he can work remotely as a freelancer and never sit inside a cubicle again.
And after every single session, I’d call my boyfriend, and scream “I just had the best experience ever.”
And he would say, Jen, and I would say, what, and he would say, this is your purpose….you help people and you love doing that.
And I would say, no you’re wrong, because I’m an aries and we like to think of things as genius and as right as that ourselves.
I’ve been spending a lot of time coaching and mentoring the past two months, which I’m going to directly attribute to this newfound strength and happiness that I feel.
But back to the coffee and the girl who thinks that I have my life together.
“You want to know your purpose?” I asked her, and she nodded, as she began to wipe the fugitive coffee drips that were now hanging off the edge of the mica table.
“You first have to know yourself. Know what makes you feel alive. Know the thing that can get you eager to leave your bed in the morning – but make sure nobody can take that thing away from you, okay?”
Maybe those words weren’t as wise as you thought they would be, but they are true. What is it that you love to do more than anything? If you answer eat pizza, watch Netflix or bead jewelry – great, you’re purpose lies inside of that.
I think it’s that easy. I think that is all you need to know.
