I’m generally a cheerful person. I’m usually full of love, life, and humor. I need to be surrounded by people to be happy. My character is bold, my sense of humor satirical, and my unfiltered mouth can quickly get me in (and out) of trouble.
There is another side of me, though.
A side that’s sensitive, too sensitive. A side that causes breathtaking emotional pain at the most random of times. A side that makes me highly intuitive and therefore extremely selective on who I surround myself with.
I come across as a paradoxical mix of outgoing but introverted, very social but rarely out. I am outgoing, but my hyper-sensitivity makes me hyper-conscious of what’s going on around me. I’m very in tune with other people’s feelings, and that can be very overwhelming.
My whole life I’ve been confusing people – including myself. I can be spontaneous – I have no filter and there isn’t a person in the world who intimidates me. Thoughts that spark in my mind always seem to come out of my mouth. But the other facet of my personality is introspective. Overthinking everything. Sometimes I try to “figure out” whether or not something is right before I actually try to do it. Sometimes I don’t think, I just do. It all depends on my mood.
My over-thinking makes life a struggle at times. I make things worse for myself by trying to suppress my feelings about them. I am extremely uncomfortable with people seeing me in pain. It’s a conundrum. I’m so expressive, but when it comes to my struggles, I’m bad at expressing my emotions. I can’t help it, no matter how close I am with someone, I feel like I might have expressed too much and need to take it back. That’s where sarcastic comments and distance come in, but people have to dig and notice the sweetness I might be trying to hide.
The battle is often between competing thoughts in my mind. If I’m alone, or with a group of people who are ungenuine or don’t stimulate me, my biggest challenge is to shut off my brain. I often have to “self-regulate” my thoughts because I can start over-analyzing easily.
Never let your enigmatic traits make you feel like there’s something wrong with you. Never let anyone make you feel like your original sense of humor is coming from a place of meanness or insensitivity – it’s how you try to ease the tension and get closer with people. You hate small talk because you hate the barrier it creates between people
I know that having an outgoing personality but an anxious mind can make life a real challenge, but it will also keep you driven and indigenous. Since your pain is often perpetuated by your constant search for a purpose, you will always attempt to do more to satisfy something inside of you that is hungry for more.
While this can be stressful, it’s that yearning that will also make you innovate an original life, too.
I spent my early twenties feeling messed up, lost, confused, struggling with concealed anxiety and not ever having a plan B. I’ve dedicated my site to spread the message that you’re allowed to sidetrack. You’re allowed to feel lost. You’re allowed to have moments where you don’t love yourself. But you can never, ever let anyone fool you that you can’t do something. Including yourself. Trust me when I say that when your heart is broken, that’s when new light gets in. All your pain and struggles will produce understandings that create a new level of living. Keep pushing for your dreams. Never stop. You came to slay.
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