“I remember the first date I ever went on. We were supposed to meet at the movies, but we ended up at different theaters. I told him it just wasn’t meant to be and I went to watch the movie alone. The movie was 50 first dates.”—Jen Glantz
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A sample chapter: THERE ARE (NOT) WORSE THINGS THAN DATING
Dating isn’t the worst thing in the world.
She tells me over some moo goo gai pan at our favorite spot in the East Village. As if she’s spent the last ten years of our lives on some other planet where first dates end in a swimmingly pleasant hug and an I had a great time tonight text message comes crawling right after the poor lad turns the corner.
My dates aren’t like that, ever. They normally end with a painful head butt during an awkward goodbye and then, never hearing from the guy again—with the select few who reach out to tell me that the steak sauce or the red wine or the blonde roast coffee stain that I accidentally got on their button down Ralph Lauren shirt has yet to come out.
But she’s engaged, as are most of my friends these days. The girls in their mid-to- upper 20’s with rocks the size of a full pimple living on their scrawny ring finger.
Well, excuse me, friends. Wasn’t it just yesterday that we were pinky swearing away these cootie monsters during recess? Passing notes across Trigonometry class about how what’s-his-face smells like apple juice or pee? Calling each other up after spoiled first dates to report how the guy spent 23 minutes spilling out tears over his ex-girlfriend and then slobbered all over your ear when he tried to turn in for a kiss?
What did I miss? Tell me!
Where was I after we walked off the stage at graduation and collectively had nothing and no one? I thought we were all in this together. Trying to navigate our early 20’s and rummage together a resume to score a job that would pay enough dough for a moving truck and a one-way ticket to some bigger city, with dance floors that entertained our presence until 4am and apartments that made our dorm rooms seem like Bel Air mansions. Slowly making something beautiful out of the mess of our post-grad lives—slow being the keyword here.
How’d I get left behind, living at my parent’s house in Boca Raton, Florida, spooning with Bop Bop, the giraffe stuffed animal, and an old Furbie with gum stuck in its hair? All while you were off whispering sweet nothings into the ear of Mr. Right.
It’s as if one day I woke up, rubbed the mascara stains off my eyelids, and checked Facebook to find that all my friends were suddenly engaged.
Okay, so this isn’t an advice book. If you thought its pages were scribbled with a ten-commandment sort of list that would make you a powerhouse dater, then you may want to stop reading now. Demand a full refund and use the money to buy yourself a box of munchkins from Dunkin Donuts or a Fudgie the Whale cake from Carvel—you’ll surely need that more than this to help you navigate the dating world. And if you’re looking for advice on things like how long you should wait before responding to his text message and what kinds of reach for your wallet tricks you should pull on a first date when the bill comes, well, you might want to toss this book in the recycling bin—since it’s an eBook, just drag and drop, baby.
It’s just a gigantic hug to everyone out there who is still single. The ones getting pestered regularly by their parents, their soon to be married friends, and their Rabbi, as to why they haven’t found the “one” yet. And feeling the constant pressure, like the dry Arizona heat, to do something about it.
It’s a book about the wildly hilarious mistakes we all make when we decide to stop acting human and start dating. Have you ever been on a date and wondered what the heck just came out of your mouth? You’re jiggling with nervous shakes as you’re trying to fill a gap of silence, talking about how much you absolutely love to go deep sea diving, but really the ocean gives you the heebie jeebies.
Let’s just get one thing straight: dating is awkward. Anyone who tells you differently is either blinded by the twinkle of their engagement ring or having a temporary lapse in memory over the time in their lives when they were once wedged into playing a one sided game of 20 questions with a guy who has broccoli stuck in his teeth.
So, if you’re ready to continue, we can start this off in the same fashion most of my first dates begin:
Hi, I’m Jen. It’s very nice to meet you and I’m really sorry about what you’re about to experience.
I hope you enjoy the book as much as i enjoyed putting it together. Do me a favor, will you? Share it with all your friends (even the ones who are engaged) & if you laughed more than 3 times, write a review on Amazon.
All my love & appreciation, my friends.