FROM HOW TO KNOW WHAT YOU WANT WHEN YOU’RE DATING

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Today's Guest Post is from a lovely reader named Jessica on a topic we all love to read about here on TTILF: Dating! Read it and share any thoughts and ideas in the comment section below.

When It Comes to Dating, People Really, Truly Don’t Know What They Want

As a single, mid-20’s female in Manhattan, dating involves quite the wide-range of men. In a city of millions, with so much to offer, it attracts so many kinds of personalities. And, because this city encourages we constantly be out and about, it’s easy to meet so many of them. I’ve met a lot of them, and I’ve really only dipped my toe in the pool.

Finding people is the easy part – it’s finding a compatible partner that’s difficult. By meeting so many new, interesting people, it’s intriguing to want to match their lifestyle or adopt their life philosophy. It’s exhilarating to think of what is yet to come! And, relationships are a two-way street. So, there’s always a little give and take. You live and learn.

However, I’ve recently found myself confused. During these first dates, we share the usual information – where you grew up, family facts, job status, hobbies and interests, what brought you to NYC, what you’re looking for in someone, how many ways there are to cook salmon (no? just me?) – and get a sense of who that person is. Usually.

When describing what kind of relationship some men have explained they’re looking for, it sounded perfect. I was hoping for the same! What a match. Text messages become more frequent, more dates are planned, and we begin building a foundation. Until it becomes clear that maybe he isn’t the person he described himself as.

…And I begin to feel retroactively, IRL-catfished.

Everything that was described as the ‘ideal kind of relationship’ was the exact opposite of what these guys actually ended doing and how they ended up acting. It’s almost like they want to believe they want it – but, at the end of the day, they just don’t have it in them. That’s okay! But I’d like to know it upfront, please and thank you.

“I don’t want someone who just sits around all day”…okay, great – let’s grab some coffee and wander around Bryant Park for the afternoon. Oh, you’re too tired and sitting on your couch?

“It was so great to meet you, looking forward to seeing you again”…sounds great – let me know when you’re free. Oh, you have ‘client dinners’ every night this week.

“Let’s meet up for a run [insert night here]”…perfect – I don’t have to sacrifice any workouts! Oh, you have a party you forgot about. Oh, you don’t actually run.

All I’m asking is to know who I’m dealing with. Honestly – it will save us both tons of time, knowing whether the two of us even makes sense in the first place. I’m not asking for anyone to change for me, and I definitely can’t change who I am for anyone else. False hope is a very deflating thing.

I won’t be hypocritical here – I’m not sure I know exactly what I want, either. Sure, I’ve written down everything that comes to mind, and I believe each of these to be true. But, I’ve found myself interested in people who don’t completely fall into my outlined requirements. I will say, though, I go into these introductions being completely-one-hundred-percent honest about who I am, how I work, and what my priorities are. At the very least, at the end of the night, he knows who he’s dealing with – whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing (the jury’s still out on that).

I’ve read books that encourage us to visualize exactly what we want, so that the universe can do its job and bring that person to us. And, I believe in this. I truly think that the power of positivity – in any aspect of our lives, really – can impact who we meet, and how our lives are formed. One key point from this book that stuck with me was that you’ll know when you’re getting closer, when you notice that the people you meet and date are closer to what you want. Maybe they aren’t perfectly it – but that’s okay. You’re getting closer to finding your person. But what if what I think I want isn’t what I really want?

I guess that’s just part of dating.

But I know I’m getting closer to knowing exactly what I want, and – if nothing else – I’m being honest with myself.

That’s a start, right?

 

I’m Jess Cole: a Boston-raised girl now living in NYC, fluent in sarcasm, movie quotes and salmon recipes. I appreciate friendly banter, trash-talking anti-Boston sports fans, and a glass of wine. Oh, and I’m usually pretty heavily caffeinated.

As a mid-20s female, I’m a social media/PR consultant, and writer/blogger. I mostly blog gym selfies and training recaps, but I’ll pepper in the occasional dating rendezvous, life update, or philosophical brain dump, too. My inner tech-nerd lives for gifs, I often speak in hashtags, I run marathons & will almost always be found laughing. I crack myself up. 

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I’m Jen Glantz. I’ve been a published writer for over 13 years, spilling my words into magazines (ranging from style to scuba diving), newspapers, websites and even this one time, a speech, for someone who didn’t speak a word of English. What drives my words, my site, my writing, is the power of relating to people. I find that many people, especially young girls, feel so alone and quite often they feel embarrassed. I want to shatter those feelings! I want them to read what I write and understand that it’s okay to be a little outside of the box, but most importantly, that it is okay to just be who they are.

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